Outside a small village, across from a blue barn, lived a fair maiden, and this is her yarn.
This delicate creature, so innocent and sweet, knew life to be blessed and bright and complete. Then one day a creature with fur and a tail, crossed her path and caused her to wail. “Oh, my!” she cried. “That critter must die, lest it find a mate and multiply.”
With so much compassion, not mean in the least, the maiden bought a sticky trap to capture the beast. Ah, yes, she thought, this is so humane, no spring-loaded thwack to crush the brain.
At a later date, the maiden heard a noise and saw a sight that ruined her poise. From under the water heater, where the sticky trap was set, twitched the tail of a snake, a definite threat. Swallowing the stomach now lodged in her neck, the poor maiden knelt and with a light gave a check.
Looking back at her were two pairs of eyes. Ye gads, she thought, what an awful surprise. A mouse was stuck in the middle of the trap, along with a snake, oh what a mishap. Wrapped around the leg of the water heater was that snake, getting stuck when it had thoughts of that mouse to partake.
“Yikes!” she cries. “Oh, what shall I do? I’ll call my prince charming. He’ll come to my rescue.”
“I’m busy,” he claims. “I’ve no time to come back. Just jerk it loose and give it a whack.”
Jerk it loose? Did I not say it’s stuck? And give it a whack? Oh, yuck, yuck, YUCK!
Faced with a trauma too awful to bear, the maiden sensed change from her toes to her hair. She opened a drawer and pulled out a knife, her existence once innocent is now full of strife.
She approached the heater cursing all reptiles and mice, then grasped the knife tight and gave a quick slice. Now in two parts, out came the snake, along with the mouse, still wide awake. Unwilling to make that mouse suffer all eagle-spread, she picked up a hammer and smacked it on the head.
Swearing never again would she use such a snare, the poor maiden tried hard to forget the nightmare. But alas feeling different, the mirror she did check, and found to her horror, she’d turned into Shrek.
The reason for this story is not to offend, but because of some rumors, my honor I must defend. One lesson I’ve learned and I’ll give you the scoop. If you want to keep a secret, don’t tell your crit group.